Building a Practice of Self-Compassion
You would never talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself after a rough day, and yet the inner critic keeps going. As a licensed mental health counselor at Therapy with Enid, I teach women self-compassion, a practice with solid research behind it for easing anxiety and harsh self-judgment, and this post shows you its three elements and a simple way to start. It pairs well with my post on the signs of perfectionism.
Self-Compassion Is Permission to Be Human
Grumpy mornings, missed texts, pushed deadlines, getting sick, spilling the coffee, and breaking down are normal human experiences. Having compassion for yourself means honoring and accepting your humanness, and you do not have to be a superwoman or be perfect to deserve kindness. Many of us were taught from a young age to care for others, so we push our own needs down, and giving yourself permission to be human is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Own your shortcomings and struggles, since they are part of what makes you who you are, and extend yourself a little grace.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Psychologist Kristin Neff, who led much of the research on the topic, describes three elements, which I find easiest to remember as three shifts:
Self-kindness in place of self-judgment.
Common humanity in place of isolation.
Mindfulness in place of over-identification with your feelings.
A meta-analysis of the research found that higher self-compassion is linked with lower anxiety and depression, and early experiments suggest it also helps people take responsibility and try again after a failure. That means it lets you keep high standards without the cruelty. Most of the studies show associations and cannot prove cause, and programs built to teach self-compassion show moderate benefits, so treat it as a useful skill and one part of your care.
1. Self-Kindness Instead of Self-Judgment
Picture a moment when your child gets hurt. One response is to replay how you could have prevented it and berate yourself for not paying enough attention. Another is to tell yourself that kids will be kids and accidents happen. With self-compassion you recognize that mistakes and accidents are part of life, and you offer yourself the same understanding you would offer someone else, without beating yourself up and without brushing the moment aside. It also reminds you that life does not always give us what we want, and that is okay. When you stop fighting what you cannot change, you free up energy for the changes you can make.
2. Common Humanity Instead of Isolation
When life is not going your way, it is easy to feel like the only one having a hard time. That feeling is understandable even when it is not accurate, and over time the isolation can wear on you. Think of a week where almost everything went wrong, from a holiday dessert that flopped to a wedding where nothing went to plan. Those stories are some of the funniest and most human we tell, and they show that mess and imperfection come with resilience and humor. Self-compassion reminds you that suffering is part of being human, which can ease the loneliness of dark thoughts, and with practice the hard stretches often feel shorter.
3. Mindfulness Instead of Over-Identification
Mindfulness means noticing your painful emotions as they arise, without suppressing them and without getting swept away. You let them come to the front of your mind, which gives you the chance to deal with them. This is especially powerful when you are reactive or on edge, such as when you are so upset with your spouse that you fear saying something you will regret, or so angry at your boss that you want to send a resignation email. You can pause, examine your thoughts and feelings, and give them room to exist without pushing them away, and their hold on you loosens in time.
A Three-Step Self-Compassion Break
Kristin Neff developed a short exercise that puts the three elements into practice. When you are struggling, try these steps:
Name what is happening, with something like “this is a moment of struggle.”
Remind yourself that struggle is part of life and that other people feel this way too.
Offer yourself kindness, with a phrase such as “may I be gentle with myself right now.”
With a practice of self-compassion you free up the brain space that worry and perfectionism take, and that room can go to the things that bring you joy. For more ways to start, see my tips on self-compassion for perfectionists. If you struggle to offer yourself kindness, a therapist can help you find what is getting in the way and teach you exercises to build the skill.
Therapy for Self-Compassion in Florida
If you are a woman in Florida who sees herself in this post, I would love to support you. I am a licensed therapist, and I offer online therapy in Florida for women who want to quiet the inner critic and treat themselves with more kindness. Contact me to tell me a little about what you are looking for, and we can talk about whether working together feels like a good fit.
Enid DeJesus is a licensed mental health counselor who provides online therapy in Florida for high-achieving, highly sensitive women. She helps women build a practice of self-compassion to ease the inner critic, perfectionism, and anxiety that keep them working harder and feeling worse. Her approach is warm and solution-focused, and her work centers on helping women treat themselves with the kindness they give everyone else. If you are tired of being hard on yourself, she would love to hear from you.
