What Your Recently Divorced Friend Wishes You Knew
When a friend’s marriage ends, most of us want to say the right thing, and many of us say something that lands wrong. As a licensed mental health counselor at Therapy with Enid, I support women through divorce and major breakups, and this post shares what recently divorced women wish their friends knew, in their own words, so you can show up for someone you love or make sense of what you are feeling yourself.
Why Divorce Recovery Is So Hard
I work with women all over Florida who are dealing with divorce or a significant breakup. They are strong, capable, and successful, and they are hurting. Recovery from divorce is a long and often painful process, and in therapy we work through grief, loss, betrayal, guilt, shame, confidence, boundaries, anxiety, depression, and relationship beliefs. No two people’s experiences are the same. Research on divorce adjustment consistently finds that support from friends and family helps people cope, which is why how you show up matters. If you want more, my posts on divorce recovery and on being divorced in your thirties go deeper.
Honest Thoughts From Divorced Women
As a therapist, I do not share what clients tell me in sessions, so for this post I asked friends who have been through divorce. Some of these are direct quotes and some are lightly paraphrased, and all of them come from women who wanted to help. Take what is useful, whether for yourself or for a friend, and if you are recently divorced and unsure whether what you feel is normal, it is common to feel all of it.
When Someone Asks About the Divorce
“That it absolutely sucks and you feel as if your entire life has been turned upside down and inside out.”
“Don’t tell me, ‘Good for you!’ So many people said this because they assumed the divorce was something I wanted. I didn’t, and it made me feel terrible. Even if it had been my choice, I do not think I would want to hear it. It suggests my spouse was all bad, and most people do not feel that way.”
“Don’t talk badly about my ex, whether I started the divorce or not. I still loved that person enough to marry them, and I take your trash-talking as an extension of myself.”
Every Day After Divorce Is Different
Life changes shape after divorce, and a woman is navigating unfamiliar land in her heart, her mind, and her daily routine. Some days she needs to be left alone to hurt, and some days she needs to be surrounded by people she loves, and she often does not know which until something feels right or wrong.
“I won’t pretend things are good, but they are not the worst. They were not good before either, so this will surely be better eventually. The in-between time just feels cavernous.”
“It changes on a dime. A day can be pretty okay, then you open a box with an old keepsake and it ruins the whole day. Or your kiddo asks, ‘Do you love my daddy?’ and you do not know what to say.”
Not Okay, and Also Going to Be Fine
“Tell me you’re taking me out to dinner. Don’t ask. Just tell me you’re picking me up on Saturday, then let me lead. Maybe I’ll want to talk about it, maybe I won’t. Several friends did this for me and it felt unconditionally supportive.”
Dating, Identity, and Everything Else
Divorce is about more than dating again or being a single parent. A woman is building a new life and a new identity, and she is figuring out who she is outside the roles of wife, mother, daughter, and sister that once defined her relationships.
“I know I’m a good mom. I have the proof in these precious little faces. But I did not know I could set that massive piece of me aside and be a full human being on my own. That is scary.”
She may also say that her past is messy and unfinished, that it will spill into the future, and that she needs you to embrace that along with her. She cannot cut and run, and she cannot hold on to the way things were, so she has to find a new way of being. Brené Brown writes that worthiness is a birthright and not something you earn, which is worth remembering when everything feels unsettled.
How to Support a Friend After Divorce
Friends often ask what to do, and three themes came up again and again in what these women told me:
Follow her lead. Tell her you are coming, invite her out, and let her decide how much to talk.
Skip the verdicts. Avoid “good for you” and criticism of her ex, since she may feel it as criticism of herself.
Expect different days. Her needs change from one day to the next, so check in more than once.
If you are the one who is recently divorced, or you are worried about a friend who is struggling, talking with a therapist can help.
Therapy for Divorce Recovery in Florida
If you are a woman in Florida who sees herself in this post, I would love to support you. I am a licensed therapist, and I offer online therapy in Florida for women who want to grieve what ended, rebuild their sense of self, and move forward with confidence. Contact me to tell me a little about what you are looking for, and we can talk about whether working together feels like a good fit.
Enid DeJesus is a licensed mental health counselor who provides online therapy in Florida for high-achieving, highly sensitive women. She helps women through divorce and major breakups, working through grief, loss, and identity so they can rebuild a life that feels like their own. Her approach is warm and solution-focused, and her work centers on helping women feel supported while they heal. If you or a friend are recovering from divorce, she would love to hear from you.
