Boundary Basics
Setting a boundary sounds simple until you try it with a person who has never heard you say no. As a licensed mental health counselor at Therapy with Enid, I teach women how to set and hold healthy boundaries, and this post covers the basics I start with: what a boundary is, the five areas of life where you get to set one, and the three styles most people fall into. When you are ready to go further, my post on healthy boundaries with parents is a natural next step.
What Is a Boundary?
Here is the line. Now hold the line. Do not let anyone cross it. On the surface, boundary setting sounds simple and straightforward, yet many of us grew up in families or communities where boundaries were never clearly taught or held. Demands got made, a “no” got ignored, and sometimes boundaries were taught to us backward.
A boundary is simply being clear with the people in your life about what is okay and what is not okay with you, and telling the truth about how you feel. Personal boundaries are invisible and unique to each person, and they have to be put into words. Assumptions do not build boundaries, and unspoken expectations do not hold. Setting them is your responsibility, and it also makes things easier for the people around you. Start by considering what a boundary would do for you, and how it could make your life clearer, more concrete, and less difficult to navigate.
You Get to Set Boundaries in Every Area of Life
Physical boundaries: your body, your personal space, and your personal belongings.
Sexual boundaries: you decide how, when, and by whom you are touched, and sexual contact without your clear consent is a boundary violation.
Material boundaries: how you relate to your things and how others may use them, such as lending money or a car, keeping shoes off in the house, or where food is allowed.
Mental boundaries: your thoughts, values, opinions, and beliefs. You can listen to someone, hear them out, and disagree without taking it personally.
Emotional boundaries: you are responsible for your feelings, and other people are responsible for theirs. Defensiveness, invalidation, and intrusion are all unhelpful here.
What Kind of Boundary Style Do You Have?
Fluid or porous boundaries
You may overshare personal information, say yes when you want to say no, and invest heavily in other people’s problems, which is common with codependent patterns. Many people with flexible boundaries also put up with unhealthy or even abusive behavior for far too long.
Healthy boundaries
You value your own thoughts and opinions, feel comfortable asking for and accepting help, know when it is appropriate to share personal information, and can accept and respect other people’s boundaries.
Rigid boundaries
You rarely ask for help, you avoid closeness, and you may seem detached or hard to reach. A person with rigid boundaries might say, “I do not do complicated emotions.” Meaningful touchpoints with trusted people can help you feel less isolated.
“You get to determine your own personal boundaries.”
Putting a Boundary Into Words
A boundary does not need a long speech. A few plain sentences go a long way: “That does not work for me.” “I am not available for that.” “I am not ready to talk about it.” Boundaries are a clinical and self-help idea more than a formal research measure, so the strongest support comes from related work on assertiveness and communication skills, which does show that clear, calm requests improve relationships over time. For a look at how this plays out after a relationship ends, see my post on breakup boundaries.
Why Healthy Boundaries Matter
Healthy personal boundaries are hard for many of us to build, and we can all work on how we relate to others and to ourselves. They help us keep our dignity intact, strengthen our relationships, and understand ourselves better. Getting them in order supports a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
Boundaries Therapy in Florida for Women
If you are a woman in Florida who sees herself in this post, I would love to support you. I am a licensed therapist, and I offer online therapy in Florida for women who want to set boundaries with less guilt and live with more balance. Contact me to tell me a little about what you are looking for, and we can talk about whether working together feels like a good fit.
Enid DeJesus is a licensed mental health counselor who provides online therapy in Florida for high-achieving, highly sensitive women. She helps women who are capable in every other area of life learn to set and keep healthy boundaries with family, partners, friends, and coworkers without the guilt or over-explaining. Her approach is warm and solution-focused, and her work centers on helping women trust their own voice. If boundaries have been hard for you, she would love to hear from you.
