Perfectionism: Signs you are a perfectionist

Perfectionism can look like success from the outside and feel like constant pressure from the inside. As a licensed mental health counselor, I hear that regularly from the high-achieving, sensitive women I work with at Therapy with Enid, so this post walks through the signs you are a perfectionist and what helps.

You can’t sleep at night because you’re thinking about the things you should have done differently.

In the morning, you wake up already feeling behind for the day.

You worry that others will think you’re not good enough.

Procrastination is your “friend”, especially on the tough tasks or projects you’ve been dreading.

You do your work multiple times because it isn’t quite right.

In fact, you know you are dealing with perfectionism.

Does this sound like you? Perhaps it’s spot on for a friend or family member? Even a boss or coworker! Yes, there are so many perfectionists out there. You are NOT alone. There is nothing wrong with you. There is, however, hope to be free from these feelings and beliefs that are ultimately holding you back.

What do you mean? Is my perfectionism actually holding me back?

Yes. Yes, it is. Let me not mince words here. Perfectionism sounds pretty. Like a badge of honor for us overachievers. In fact, you may have even used that kind of line in a job interview: “Well, I might be a little TOO organized. I always make sure to double-check my work because I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” (#Humblebrag, right? I see you, girl!) Of course, I’m not saying that being thorough is a bad thing. But, when you get stuck in a cycle of perfectionism, you might end up self-sabotaging. You may also struggle with good sleep hygiene, or even become wrapped up in imposter syndrome. These are all topics I happen to specialize in helping Florida women like you work through.

I love how Elizabeth Gilbert sums up perfectionism in her book, “Big Magic”:

“We don’t have time for perfect. In any event, perfectionism is unachievable. It’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death. Perfectionism stops people from completing their work, yes – but even worse, it often stops people from beginning their work. Perfectionists often decide in advance that the end product is never going to be satisfactory, so they don’t even bother trying to be creative in the first place.
Perfectionism is a particularly evil lure for women, who, I believe, hold themselves to an even higher standard of performance than do men. I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified.” — Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear 

Gosh. That’s just so spot-on, right? How often do we let our fears hold us back from pursuing our true potential? Fear is meant to protect us. But, our primal brains don’t always understand the difference between anxiety and excitement. In fact, they feel the same in our bodies. So, let’s go through some of the main ways perfectionism plays out in the clients I see.   Because I specialize in working with high-achieving women, there are some pretty clear hallmarks of perfectionists.

Common Signs of Perfectionism and Perfectionist Tendencies:

• all or nothing mindset/success or failure

• difficulty trusting people/delegating/letting go of control

• procrastinating

• fear of trying new things

• fear of making decisions/make a mistake

•  you are a control freak

• compare yourself to others

A note for my anxious, high-achievers with anxiety:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” —Brene Brown

Do those hit a little too close to home? There is hope. Perfectionists can get incredible things done! Now that you know what to look for, you can notice the patterns in yourself and take action. Get an accountability partner or a therapist to help! For a gentler way to talk to yourself while you work on this, try these self-compassion tips for perfectionists. Of course, I would love to help you too.

Online Therapy in Florida for Women

If you are a woman in Florida who sees herself in this post, I would love to support you. I am a licensed therapist, and I offer online therapy in Florida for women who want to feel calmer, more confident, and less alone with it all. Contact me to tell me a little about what you are looking for, and we can talk about whether working together feels like a good fit.

Enid DeJesus is a licensed mental health counselor who provides online therapy in Florida for high-achieving, highly sensitive women. She helps women who are capable and driven in every area of life loosen the grip of perfectionism, quiet the inner critic, and replace "never good enough" with steadier confidence. Her approach is warm and solution-focused, and her work centers on helping women hold high standards without paying for them with their sleep, their health, and their peace of mind. If perfectionism is wearing you down, she would love to hear from you.