Am I Codependent? 11 Signs You Might Be Dealing With Codependency, From a Florida Therapist
You have probably heard the word codependent from a friend, a therapist, or an online quiz, and now you are wondering whether it describes you. As a licensed mental health counselor at Therapy with Enid, I work with women who give a great deal to the people they love and slowly lose track of themselves along the way, and the 11 signs of codependency below are the patterns I see most often. If you are further along and asking what recovery looks like, my post on how to heal from a codependent relationship picks up where this one leaves off.
What Is Codependency?
At its core, codependency is losing your sense of self. When a codependent pattern is in play, almost all of someone’s thoughts and behaviors revolve around another person, or around a whole set of people such as friends, family members, and coworkers. One caution is worth stating plainly. Codependency is a widely used clinical and self-help term but not an official diagnosis, and the research on it is thinner than the research on conditions like depression or anxiety. Treat this list as a starting point for reflection and not as a verdict.
Picture a woman who has just left a ten-year marriage. Between overlapping relationships in college and years of marriage and parenting, there was always someone to please and always a good feeling from pleasing them. Now she is on her own for the first time, and she feels lost. Grief, loss, and questions about identity all play a part, and it is also worth considering whether codependent patterns are in the mix.
What Codependency Is Not
Plenty of healthy ways of caring for people get mistaken for codependency, including:
Feeling comforted by the presence of someone you love.
Wanting to help a struggling friend or family member.
Making an occasional sacrifice for someone you care about.
Not wanting a loved one to leave.
It also helps to separate codependency from simply being clingy. One way to think about codependency is extreme support, where you lose yourself in the process of giving it. That is very different from feeling closely connected to another person.
Most women have some tendency in this direction, because we are wired for connection and many of us were socialized from girlhood to be as selfless as possible. The signs below come from my work with women, teens, and moms in Florida and can help you tell socialization apart from a deeper pattern.
11 Signs You Might Be Codependent
Constant people-pleasing.
Always helping others at the expense of yourself.
Frequently feeling guilty or ashamed without a clear reason.
Having difficulty being assertive.
Struggling to set boundaries, or to stick to the ones you have set.
Having a hard time communicating what you need.
Being very self-critical more often than not.
Feeling overly focused on “fixing” situations and people.
Holding perfectionist standards, especially in relationships.
Constantly needing the approval of others.
Having a strong need to control the people and situations around you.
“The core of codependence is losing your sense of self.”
What Helps
If this list sounds like you, there is likely a reason, and it is worth taking seriously. Three places to begin are practicing small, clear boundaries (the boundaries with parents post shows what that can sound like), spending time on what you want and enjoy apart from anyone else, and treating yourself with the patience you give other people. The good news is that you can learn to be with yourself again, even after years of codependent patterns.
Codependency Counseling for Women in Florida
If you are a woman in Florida who sees herself in this post, I would love to support you. I am a licensed therapist, and I offer online therapy in Florida for women who want to stop losing themselves in their relationships and build bonds that feel steadier and more honest. Contact me to tell me a little about what you are looking for, and we can talk about whether working together feels like a good fit.
Enid DeJesus is a licensed mental health counselor who provides online therapy in Florida for high-achieving, highly sensitive women. She helps women who give generously to everyone around them recognize codependent patterns, set clearer boundaries, and come back to their own needs. Her approach is warm and solution-focused, and her work centers on helping women feel like themselves inside their relationships. If any of this sounds familiar, she would love to hear from you.
