Hindering Your Happiness: 9 Signs You Are Self-Sabotaging
You can have the skill, the plan, and the support, and still find a way to get in your own way right when things start going well. As a licensed mental health counselor at Therapy with Enid, I hear some version of this from women every week, and self-sabotage is far more common, and far more workable, than most people expect. Below are 9 signs of self-sabotage, what tends to sit underneath them, and the part perfectionism often plays.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
There are a million possible reasons and the answers are personal, but a common one is that it feels safer. Success asks something of us, and the unknown can feel riskier than a disappointment we already understand. So we explain things away with “now just isn’t the right time” or “that wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” and we stay inside the bubble of what is familiar.
“It’s not viewed as a failure in the same way when we artfully self-sabotage.”
Researchers describe a close cousin of this pattern as self-handicapping, where people set up an obstacle ahead of time so a poor result can be blamed on the obstacle and not on their ability. The research on it goes back decades and fits what many of my clients describe, though it does not explain every case.
Past experience matters too. Failures at school, disappointments at work, painful relationships, and family conflict can all leave a memory that says trying again is not safe. When the pattern started after trauma, the layers are more complex and worth working through with a therapist. The author Maureen Brady has written that self-sabotage often appears just when things begin to go smoothly, as a way of expressing fear about whether we are allowed to have a better life. The goal is not to become fearless. It is to notice the fear and find ways to settle it.
Take a Moment to Think About It
Before you read the list, think about why you searched for “self-sabotage” today. Consider what is holding you back, which go-to moves you use to avoid leveling up, and what you tell yourself and other people about the thing you want. Then see which of these sound familiar.
9 Signs You Are Self-Sabotaging and Hindering Your Own Happiness
Expecting things to fail. You plan for the worst, so a good outcome feels like a surprise you do not trust.
Struggling to credit your own wins. You call it luck, timing, or someone else’s help.
Comparing yourself to others. Everyone else’s highlight reel becomes the standard you fall short of.
Giving up quickly. The first obstacle becomes proof that you were never meant to do this.
Always having an excuse. The reasons sound reasonable, which is what makes them so convincing.
Not feeling worthy, deep down. Part of you believes the good thing belongs to someone else.
Never feeling ready. There is always one more thing to finish before you can begin.
Letting perfectionism stop you from finishing. Publishing, sending, or creating feels risky when it has to be flawless.
Fixating on where you “should” be. A timeline you never agreed to becomes the measuring stick.
What to Do When You Recognize the Pattern
If several of these sound familiar, you are in good company, and the pattern is usually a protective habit and a sign of how much you care. Three places to start are naming it when it happens (“I am looking for an excuse right now”), shrinking the next step until it feels doable, and speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a friend, which is where self-compassion earns its place. When the pattern keeps coming back, therapy can help you trace where it started and build steadier ways to handle the fear underneath it.
Therapy for Self-Sabotage and Perfectionism in Florida
If you are a woman in Florida who sees herself in this post, I would love to support you. I am a licensed therapist, and I offer online therapy in Florida for women who want to stop getting in their own way and feel settled in their own success. Contact me to tell me a little about what you are looking for, and we can talk about whether working together feels like a good fit.
Enid DeJesus is a licensed mental health counselor who provides online therapy in Florida for high-achieving, highly sensitive women. She helps women who are capable in every other area of life move past self-sabotage, perfectionism, and the quiet self-doubt that keeps them from enjoying what they have built. Her approach is warm and solution-focused, and her work centers on helping women trust themselves enough to follow through. If you keep getting in your own way, she would love to hear from you.
